mommy4autism

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Angry Moms (like Angry birds, only way less fun)

on February 20, 2012

Some days I don’t know what to type about. You know, I am aware that I have said that before in my blogs and that eventually I end up writing something  decent and in keeping with a certain subject. But the thing I’m struggling with today is that I have actually written a couple of pieces lately which start out well and good, with intention and drive…you know, stuff really from the heart. Except that I had to stop writing them, because they were being written out of pure anger.

Anger is not what “mommy4autism” is about. Frustration? Yes. Speaking out against injustices? Sure.  But pure, intentional anger which uses blame, harsh words and negativity to get its point across? No. That is not what this blog is for.

Unfortunately, lately it is how I am feeling. I am mad. I am mad at the world, I am mad at some particular individuals, and I am mad at the school system. And so I have some sort of anger “wall” up around me that seems to be prohibiting my ability to write in a more meaningful, well-rounded manner.

Now I’m not saying it’s a horrible thing to be angry. Anger is healthy, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling your emotions.  Trust me, suppressing them is much worse. But the key to any emotion is what you choose to *do* with it. Anger only becomes destructive when you act on it in a destructive way.

Well, you know those last couple of unpublished posts I mentioned? They were destructive. I “pointed fingers,” became very passive-aggressive with my feelings and then just kept on writing out of anger. The posts got to be really lengthy, and once I realized that, I made myself stop and look back at what I wrote (I try not to make my posts too terribly long, for the sake of my readers).  Do you know how I felt when I re-read those posts? I felt disheartened and angry all over again. And that is not what I want for you, my readers. I don’t want you to have to listen to me rant (well, at least not *that* much).

My blog is meant to display the ups and downs of having a child with autism, while sharing some secrets and special events along the way. It was also intended to help others like me to not feel so alone. Sure, when I write about the “downs,” there can be some sadness and anger displayed, but mostly as a part of a story that I am telling about the past. There is a big difference between writing *about* feeling angry and writing out of anger.

So those posts never made it to my blog…and that’s why I’ve been lagging on posting lately. I can’t seem to get rid of these emotions and get over myself. I’m just plain mad, and it is affecting my ability to write.

So what now? Well, to be honest, I’m not sure. I guess I need to get to the root of my anger and talk to someone about it (constructively). But that’s not easy to do. I’m a strong person; I could do it, sure, but there are a couple people who might not like to hear what I have to say. And there are institutions that may simply ignore me. And then what do I do about my life? And what do I do about me?

Yeah, I’m mad at me, I’ll admit it. What Mom doesn’t blame themselves for some of the bad things that are happening in life? And, more specifically, what mother of a special needs child does not, at some point, blame herself for her child’s regression, or their inappropriate behavior in social situations…or even worse, for maybe having been the cause of their child’s disability in the first place?

This is deep stuff. Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re not a bad mom. And I’m not a bad mom either. And you and I didn’t do anything to cause our child’s special needs. We love our kids, but we are neither specialists nor mind readers, and so we are going to get frustrated and blame ourselves.  But we need to practice the art of *not* placing blame. We deal with difficult situations almost every day. Today is no different.

And now I’m lost, once again. I don’t know where this is going. I’m trying to be uplifting, but I can’t even uplift myself. And when you don’t feel something strongly enough, you cannot teach others about it. I do feel like a bad mom. I do feel like a bad wife. And a part of me knows that isn’t true, but the dark side is looming.

Long story short? I’m human. Hi, this is me being human and struggling with anger due to injustice, not enough time in the day, the lack of communication I can achieve with my son…shoot, I’m even mad that this blog post is not turning out the way I want it to.

But maybe that’s the point this time. Maybe this time, the blog is supposed to be about showing you just how human and helpless I feel, too. I’m working on getting past the anger. But it is equally important to embrace the fact that I am feeling anger and to seek the support of other people in the same “boat.”

You are not alone, angry mom. I, too, am an angry mom from time to time. It’s ok to be mad at the world, and kick and scream at some unknown foe to make ourselves feel better. So take that time, and then have a little cry (or, in my case, a BIG one), take a deep breath and move forward.  There will be other times like this, to be sure. It comes with the territory. But for now, right this second, let’s feel our feelings deeply, express them and then let them go. Easier said than done, right?

It’s going to be okay, I’ll be right here with you. I promise.

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